When a message is passed on via email, text, social media or any other communication device, there is always an answer. Even silence is an answer and silence is loud. In a room full of people, if half the room is silent, the weight of the silence is felt. It is difficult both for the people who are silent and for the people who are speaking. Silence can be agreement, disagreement, boredom, apathy, fear of being misunderstood, lack of confidence or any other meaning chosen by the individual expressing it. We understand silence through the prism of our own perceptions, often distorted by our prejudice or inner emotional states. Silence, like absence, is a form of communication. So all we can do is give space for the silence to exist and possibly lead to more listening and understanding.
In our environment, many people have shared that they are disappointed when a message sent over the phone, in a group, is left without any response. People described feeling frustrated, isolated, powerless as if nobody cares or has time for them. If you are the person asking questions or for input, what can you do to find out the reasons people do not react in the way you expected? How can you address those reasons? When is the number of responses more relevant than the content of the few responses? What is the impact of the emotions similar to ones of discouragement, resentment and how can you transform them?
If you are the person asked to participate, what do you want to communicate and how? How can you make communication easier? What would you like a person asking the questions to understand? Does acknowledgement of a question mean agreement or just politeness? After all, in many parts of the world, people are raised to be polite and acknowledge the reception of a message or a speaker. Active listening prompts answering as a confirmation of being present, a show of support to the person or the group. Of course, each of our lives are busy, time is an expensive commodity, paid sometimes in unintended hurt, so make your choices with care as your participation, vocal or silent, present or absent, has an impact.
Participating is a gift you give to the other people in the room, an actual or virtual one. Some have an easier time communicating in written form, others need face-to-face. Some are not comfortable voicing opinions even in their mother tongue, let alone in a second or third acquired language. Introverts and extroverts, and all shades in between at any given moment, impact how we participate. Some are able to easily engage in topics even if they are new, others need more time and support.
People also have different ways of expressing care and participation. Although we have often said the hug is one of the most common and valuable expressions of care, some have an aversion to the physical touch for a variety of reasons. It is crucial to allow space for people to express themselves especially when this is different from what is typically seen and expected in society. Insisting that hugs are our primary language excludes or makes uncomfortable a lot of neuro-divergent people, people who may have some trauma associated with the act. The language of care is our shared language, hugging is just one form of expression of care. If hugging does not work for everyone (or every time), it is good to have space to express care and love by bringing snacks, preparing coffee, waving, singing, or something else. If participation through messages and emails does not work for everyone, it is important to acknowledge other forms of participation. If working with clay does not work for everyone, then there are other mediums and avenues for creativity.
We are all learning, continuously, from each other and with one another. We are teachers and learners. Nobody is more important than any other, no story less worthy than another person’s story. Participating and caring come as part of community building.